Surviving Toddlerhood

Avoiding the Terrible Twos

Ah, the “terrible twos.” This is definitely a stage many parents want to bypass with their children. However, a lot of the negativity is drawn from the term “terrible twos.” The truth is that a lot of behavioral issues don’t really arise until later on in a child’s life. Regardless, there are some ways you can make the “terrible twos” go by better and avoid them spinning out-of-control.

1.    You’re in Charge. Let your little one know that you’re the boss. It doesn’t matter if your child throws a fit or not, what you say goes. Your child will be looking to you for a response when he/she throws a tantrum, mainly to see if you’re going to let them get away with it. When dealing with an issue like this, remain calm while correcting the child.

2.    Show Love. It’s incredibly easy to “lose it” due to your toddler’s behavioral outbursts. However, this is not going to help the problem in any way. Instead of responding in an angry manner, show your child that you still love them but that the behavior is unacceptable. For instance, if your child is upset and begins throwing toys, go over and hug your child while telling him to calm down. Yes, you’re restraining your child, but you’re also hugging him which reinforces the fact that you love him too.

3.    Most Important: Stay Calm. Do not give in to your feelings of anger when your child throws a fit. Anger feeds off anger, so if you respond in anger, all you’re doing is making your child angrier. So, when your child has an angry outburst, get yourself under control before you do anything – this may mean you have to walk out of the room first. Additionally, when you get upset over something that happens and your child is nearby, it’s very important that you refrain from throwing an adult tantrum. Your child will watch your response when you get angry and model that behavior as he/she grows.

4.    Establish a Routine. Toddlers often do better (behaviorally) when they know what to expect out of the day. This is why having a normal routine that you follow the majority of the time is good for families with toddlers. When your toddler knows that every day he’ll get lunch at the same time and a nap immediately following, it gives him a sense of security, which helps keep temper tantrums at bay.

As your toddler gets older, you can help teach him about time with your family’s schedule too. This will give him a visual way to monitor time and the daily routine, as well as, teach him how to “read” a clock.

Getting Through Temper Tantrums

Most toddlers go through a phase where they throw temper tantrums at the slightest things. This can be very frustrating for parents and caregivers as they often catch us off guard. So, how are you supposed to handle a temper tantrum and are there ways to prevent them from happening? Below are some tips that you may find helpful regarding temper tantrums and how to handle them.

Why do toddlers have temper tantrums? This isn’t an easy question to answer because it’s a different answer for each child. For example, some toddlers are prone to temper tantrums when they are tired or hungry while others through tantrums out of frustration, then there are others who are trying to express their independence. In order to determine the cause of your child’s temper tantrums, you need to take the time to watch them closely and see if you see any reoccurring signs before the temper tantrums happen.

When a tantrum happens, remain calm. I know, staying calm when your child is in the middle of an all-out, embarrassing temper tantrum is hard to do. However, it’s important that you do because if you remain calm, your child will calm down quicker. So, how do you stay calm?
Try taking a few deep breaths and counting to ten before you say or do anything. Don’t worry about what other people are thinking. If you’re at home, consider walking into another room to get away from the child and calm down. Often times, if a child doesn’t have an audience a temper tantrum suddenly doesn’t have a purpose and he/she will stop.

Play the temper tantrum back for your child. Another method that works well for a lot of parents is to tape record the child throwing a temper tantrum. Then, when the child is calmed down, they play it back for them. Once the toddlers see how silly they look, many kids stop throwing the tantrums.

Help your child learn better ways to express their anger. As previously mentioned, a lot of toddlers throw temper tantrums out of frustration and they don’t know how to express their anger and frustration. Therefore, tell your child it’s okay to be angry and show them a better way to express their anger. For instance, maybe you can teach them to walk around the room or to go draw a picture or to do a an “angry dance” when they feel frustrated or angry instead of a temper tantrum.

Pay attention. Finally, pay attention to your toddler and his/her body language before temper tantrums happen. Once you learn the signs, you’ll often be able to work to help your child calm down and avoid a temper tantrum. You can even use these instances to work on anger management which will benefit your child greatly in the future.

Helping Toddlers Deal with “Big” Emotions

Toddlers have a lot of “big” emotions running through them and all these feelings can be overwhelming for parents, as well as, the toddler. It’s important for parents to remember that their toddlers are still “babies” as far as their reasoning and communication skills go, therefore, they often don’t know how to deal with all of these new emotions they experience. Learning how to help your toddler handle these big emotions can be a big help to both you and your toddler.

1.    Give Feelings a Name. The first thing you can help your toddler do is to put a name with the way he/she is feeling. Toddlers don’t have big vocabularies, but learn easily – so teach them what the words “happy,” “sad,” “mad,” and “frustrated” mean. When your toddler is displaying a certain emotion, ask how he’s feeling and help him put his feelings into words.

2.    Find an Outlet. Now that your child knows the names for the emotions she’s experiencing, it’s your job to find positive ways for her to work through her feelings. For example, if your child enjoys drawing, then buy a sketch pad and some new crayons, markers or paints for her to use when she becomes upset. If you can give your child a constructive outlet for how to handle her emotions, the emotional outbursts should begin to subside.

3.    Talk about Emotions. When your child shows various emotions, or you are feeling a certain way, take those opportunities to talk about the emotions that are being experienced. Make sure to let your child know that it’s okay to feel a certain way and that feeling that way isn’t wrong, however, have to learn how to handle our feelings. Talk about some of the things they do when they’re mad that are wrong (hitting, biting, throwing, etc.) and explain that it’s okay to have feelings, but it’s not okay to do those things as a result.

4.    Stick to a Schedule. Believe it or not, most toddlers find comfort in schedules and routines. Therefore, a lack of a normal schedule or routine can be frustrating for toddlers as they don’t know what to expect. So, try putting your toddler on a normal schedule where certain things happen a regular times every day. You may be surprised to find that your child’s emotional outbursts begin to subside.

Coping with Toddler Fears

It’s pretty much common-knowledge that toddlers experience a lot of irrational fears, which is why many parents become annoyed with their toddlers when this happens. So, what can you do? Below are some suggestions for how to get your toddler through these fears.

1.    Don’t Dismiss the Fear. Don’t make the mistake of dismissing your toddler’s fear…no matter how small it seems to you. In your child’s eyes, the fear really is something to be worried about. If you dismiss it, you’re sending the message to your toddler that you don’t care. Therefore, listen attentively when your child comes to you with a fear.

2.    Don’t Give It Too Much Attention. It’s important to try and remain neutral to your child’s fears because if you give the fear too much attention, you run the risk of making the fear worse and last longer. It’s good to identify with your toddler’s fears, however, don’t inflate the fear by saying something like, “You’re right, that really is scary!” Instead, say something like, “I can understand why that scares you, but…”

3.    Help Him Face His Fears. One of the best ways to help your toddler overcome his fears is to help him face his fears. So, if your child is afraid of dogs, ask a friend with a calm, friendly dog to meet you in the park so your son can see that all dogs aren’t mean. Bring your toddler to meet your friend’s dog and have your son pet the dog. This is having your son face his fear of dogs, which will work to eliminate the fear. You can do this with virtually any fear.

4.    Don’t Use Safety to Justify Fears. Experts warn against using safety to justify fears. For example, if your child is afraid of cars, don’t teach your child to cross the street by saying, “if you don’t look both ways, a car will hit you.” This can not only increase your child’s fear of cars, but can also cause your toddler to become afraid of crossing the street or another related fear.

Helping Toddlers Handle Feelings

If you have a toddler at home, then you have most likely noticed how exaggerated their feelings are. While it can be easy to get worked up when your toddler expresses his feelings in such a big way, this isn’t the best thing to do. It’s important to understand that toddlers haven’t yet developed the coping mechanisms older children and adults have for how to handle their feelings.

In addition, toddlers are at the age when they are trying to establish their own independence, which can be a scary thing because they often want to do something on their own but are still insecure in their abilities. The fact that they want to be independent, yet still want/need mom and dad nearby can be frustrating to them. Combine this with the limited communication skills of a toddler and it’s easy to see why toddlers have such exaggerated feelings and emotions.

Look for a cause. You can’t help your child handle his/her feelings very well if you don’t know what is causing the sudden outbreak of emotions. Therefore, study your child and determine if he/she seems to be tired, hungry or frustrated before big feelings start to show. This alone will help you anticipate an outburst, which will give you time to help your child learn how to deal with his/her emotions.

Handling an emotional outburst… When your child has an emotional outburst (many call them temper tantrums), a lot of experts say that you should always remain calm. While this is true, it may be helpful to let your child know that it’s okay to have “big” feelings, but that it is not okay to throw a tantrum as a result. Then, talk about and show your child what to do when he/she has these big feelings so that you can understand and help them. Be sure to talk about feelings with names – like, “happy, sad, angry, irritated, etc.” One thing you don’t want to do is give into your child’s tantrum if he/she is wanting something from it…this only encourages the behavior.

Keep yourself in check. One of the biggest ways our children learn is by watching us (their parents). Therefore, if you want to teach your child how to deal with his/her feelings, be sure that when you get angry or frustrated, you handle these feelings in the manner in which you want your child to handle them.

Separation Anxiety: What to Do About It

Separation anxiety in toddlers is generally considered normal and it tends to come and go in phases. You may think your child is completely over separation anxiety when six months later, he begins showing signs all over again. Try not to stress about it too much because it is a normal thing for toddlers as they’re learning new things about the world around them every day.

In addition, their coping skills haven’t been fully developed, which makes it difficult (if not impossible) to understand certain things. This is why toddlers have so many fears (many that adults find silly), which works to promote separation anxiety.

While this is normal, there are some forms of separation anxiety that are not normal and can require therapy in order to help the child cope. Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is the official term given to those who suffer from separation anxiety that goes beyond the normal clinginess.

A Healthy Attachment: Believe it or not, many experts believe that some forms of separation anxiety are good because they indicate a healthy attachment to the child’s parents. This is important for interpersonal relationships later on in a person’s life. Therefore, it’s not a bad thing that your child has a strong attachment to you and doesn’t want you to leave. Although, separation anxiety is generally considered a good thing, it can be hard to deal with and emotionally exhausting for parents. Below are some tips to help you with it.

·         Build Trust. Work to build trust in your child by leaving him/her for short periods of time so he/she will see that you always come back. You can build trust by telling your child before you leave how long you’ll be gone and that you will come back. Then reiterate the point that you came back once you pick him/her up. This will help your child learn to remain calm when you leave because he/she knows you always come back.

·         Help Familiarize your Toddler. Another thing that will help tremendously with separation anxiety is familiarizing your toddler with her caretakers in advance. If you’ve found a babysitter who will watch your child once or twice a week, let your child meet (and play) with her before you actually leave your child. The same is true if your child is just starting preschool or a pre-K program – take him to meet the teacher once or twice before the first day of school.

·         Be Firm and Consistent. When it comes to leaving your toddler, it can be a hard thing to do when she is crying. However, you need to be firm and consistent in the fact that you are leaving. Believe it or not, this give your child a greater sense of security. Plus, when you leave, often times the child will calm down pretty quickly.

When to Seek Professional Help: If you have a child who doesn’t respond to any of the tips listed above and/or goes through separation anxiety on a regular basis while at home, then your child may have a more severe form of separation anxiety. Another sign is found in older toddlers who quickly become anxious about your whereabouts, regardless of where you are (home, school, the store, etc.). If your child is experiencing any of this, then you should probably schedule an appointment with a child psychologist as there are many strategies for solving the problem that they have access to that you may not have been aware of.

The Do’s and Don’ts of Potty Training

Potty training is one of the least favorite stages a toddler goes through. In fact, if parents could hire someone to do this for them, they probably would. While it’s not a process that we, as parents, look forward to, potty training is something that can’t be avoided. There are a few things that you can do to make potty training easier when the time comes, though.

What to Do:

·         Focus on Liquid Waste First. Don’t try to tackle everything thing at once when you first start potty training. For most toddlers, bowel movements are a big deal and the thought of doing that on the potty is overwhelming. Therefore, concentrate on getting your toddler to get comfortable urinating on the potty first. Once she has that down, move on to tackling bowel movements.

·         Rewards Really Work. Believe it or not, rewarding children for using the potty really does work. The trick is that you find the “right” reward. Many parents dislike the thought of giving candy or food after every potty chair use. To remedy this, consider making a chart where your child gets to put a sticker on the chart for every time he uses the potty successfully. Then, once the goal number of stickers is reached, your little one gets a prize!

·         Think Ahead and Plan. Potty training can be pretty simple when you pay attention to your child’s biological schedule. Once you get an idea for how often your child has to use the restroom, you can easily think ahead and plan for these potty breaks. Try not to schedule activities during these times where you won’t be able to stop for a potty break. Let your child get used to using the “big” potty at home before you take her to a public restroom as these toilets can be big, noisy and scary for young children.

What NOT to Do:

·         Scold Your Child. One of the worst things you can do during potty training is scold your child for having an accident. Accidents happen when a child is learning a new skill and by scolding him for it, you’re actually drawing attention to the mistake. Instead, focus on praising (excessively) your child when he uses the potty correctly.

·         Punishing via Potty Chair. Another mistake parents new to potty training make is using the potty chair as a form of punishment if their child forgets to tell them she needs to use the restroom. When you make a child sit on the potty chair as a form of punishment, you’re creating negative feelings towards the potty in your child’s mind.

·         Let it Happen Naturally. Every child is different and every child takes a different amount of time to potty train. Therefore, don’t try to push the issue of potty training if your child clearly isn’t ready. Once your child is ready to learn, potty training will go fast and smooth. However, if they aren’t ready, you’ll find yourself very frustrated with the process. So, let it happen naturally.

Understanding How Toddlers Communicate

Parents of toddlers often catch themselves wondering what their toddler is trying to say or what he/she needs. It’s just a daily thing because toddlers don’t have the communication skills that adults have. However, it is possible to improve the communication between you and your toddler with the tips below.

Understand your toddler has many emotions and feelings that he/she can’t express. Because toddlers are just learning how to walk, talk and learn other exciting skills, they often experience many emotions and feelings throughout the day. These range from excitement to frustration to anger when they can’t do something on their own. Simply understanding that your toddler is not only learning new skills, but also learning how to deal with new emotions and feelings will help you communicate better with your toddler. Pay attention to your toddler and encourage him/her to be independent yet let him/her know you’re there if needed. This will help ease the enormity of the emotions your toddler feels while improving the communication between you and your toddler.

Make eye contact when talking. Toddlers are very good visual listeners. This means that they pick up well when they can see your lips moving as you talk to them. Not only that, but their attention is better held when people make eye contact with them while speaking. Therefore, start making eye contact with your toddler when you begin speaking to him/her. You can even make a gesture as you say something like, “Eyes, please,” or “Look.” Try pointing to your eyes so your toddler connects the words “eyes,” please” and “look” with your eyes.

Another great thing to consider teaching your toddler is sign language. In fact, many start teaching their children sign language when they are infants because it helps infants communicate their wants and need with their parents before they learn how to speak.

Now, on the flip side, you need to start watching your toddler because he/she will communicate with you by using hand movements and other body gestures as well. Picking up on these early can help reduce the level of frustration involved with the parent/toddler communication barrier.

Toddlers don’t have extensive memory skills. This is very important because many parents get frustrated with their toddlers as they feel like they are continuously getting on to them for the same thing over and over. This is completely normal because toddlers don’t have long memories. It often takes toddlers being corrected for the same thing several times before they start to learn that it’s unacceptable behavior.

An “eye-for-an-eye” doesn’t always work for discipline. A lot of parents try to correct an issue by showing their toddler how it feels when the action is done against them. For example, if a toddler throws a toy and hits someone with it (repeatedly) an exasperated parent may pick up the toy and lightly throw it back to show the toddler how it can hurt to be hit with a toy. The problem with this is that toddlers haven’t fully developed the ability to empathize yet, meaning they aren’t able to make the connection between what they did to someone and what you did to them. Therefore, this approach can have a negative effect instead of the positive effect you were looking for.

Tips for Communicating with Toddlers

When you are able to understand and communicate with your toddler, a lot of beneficial things happen. Your little one won’t have as many “melt downs” and will be in a much happier mood for the most part. Why? Think about how you would feel if you were trying to tell someone something but they didn’t understand you, no matter what you did. It would be very frustrating. This is how toddlers feel as they learn to communicate and interact with adults.

So, how can you make this easier for them? There are several things you can do in order to help your toddler understand the things you’re trying to tell him/her, which will help improve your relationship with your child too.

Watch and Learn – Everyone has their own unique communication style and your toddler is no different. In order to determine what your child’s communication style is, you need to watch him to see what his mannerisms are. Pay attention to whether or not he reaches or points to something before he begins to cry. Maybe your little one doesn’t reach or point, but has a specific sound or noise that he makes when he’s hungry or thirsty. These are all things you can pick up on and use to communicate better with your little one. When you do, you’ll notice a lower frustration level in your child.

Toddlers Cry to Communicate – While no one likes to hear a crying child, for toddlers with limited vocabularies, this is another way of communicating. Some of the most common reasons toddlers cry is because they are either tired, hungry or need physical attention. So, instead of getting angry at your toddler for crying, understand that this is just another form of communication.

Don’t Baby Talk – One of the most irritating things (for me) is to hear grown adults baby talking to their toddlers. Yes, it’s normal to baby talk a little when children are infants, but it should stop once they begin trying to talk. Even the experts agree that baby talking is not a good thing to do as it doesn’t teach children how to speak correctly. Therefore, talk to your toddler in your normal voice, using the same words you would use when speaking to another adult. This will help your child with increasing her vocabulary, pronunciation and tone recognition.

Talk about Everything – If you truly want to help bridge the communication gap between you and your toddler, then begin talking to him more throughout the day. It doesn’t matter if you’re folding towels or buckling your child in for a trip to the grocery store – talk to your toddler about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. When you do this, you’ll be helping your toddler make connections with the words you speak and the actions you’re performing.