Peaceful Home Creation

The Research on Parenting Styles

When embarking on parenthood it’s important to research about child development as well as the various parenting styles. It can help you discover what type of parents you had, as well as what type of parent you want to become. Along with each parenting style are variations for each; however, studies show that the most effective parenting style is a balanced approach that seeks to teach self-discipline over punishment.

Authoritarian parenting - Authoritarian parenting is the strictest type of parenting, and is often referred to as “military-style” parenting. These households tend to have a lot of structure, but can often feel devoid of much laughter and the feeling of love. Authoritarian parents are the most likely to punish children physically, and have very strict rules and tight schedules to follow.

While not all authoritarian parents are abusive, most abusive childhoods were incurred in these types of homes. While there is certainly nothing wrong with structure, children that come from very authoritarian backgrounds often feel as if they were not loved and that they did not have a good parent-child relationship, if they had one at all.

Permissive parenting - Permissive parenting is essentially the exact opposite of authoritarian parenting. Permissive parents often let their children “get away with murder” and do not set many, if any, rules. When rules are broken or when children from these types of environments get into trouble, they are often let go without the right kind of discipline. While most people think not, a lot of permissive parents still spank their children or act out in frustration and anger.

Permissive parenting households are often chaotic, and children may feel unloved just for the fact that there is often no one paying attention to them unless something really bad happens. Children from these backgrounds often feel that their upbringing was unstable, often feeling as if the carpet has been removed from under them.

Authoritative parenting - Authoritative parenting is the middle ground between authoritarian and permissive parenting, and is the most effective parenting style when it comes to raising well-rounded individuals in a loving, structured, and stable home environment. Many different forms of parenting arise from the authoritative parenting style, such as positive parenting and mindful parenting. There is often a disconnect in these words with parents thinking that permissive parenting encompasses these values, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Authoritative parenting employs the structure of authoritarian parenting without being overly strict. There are rules and schedules to keep everyone on track, but not so many that the children aren’t allow fun and laughter. Open communication, unconditional love, and individualism are often celebrated in an authoritative setting. Children have been shown to thrive best in this atmosphere.

Long-Term Results of Being Raised in a Chaotic Home

If you grew up in a chaotic home environment you already know, intuitively or actually, how badly it can affect you well into adulthood. Many chaotic home environments are without any discipline at all. Some still have punishment when the parent decides not to be lazy, but that usually occurs in bursts of activity without any effect whatsoever. The child usually ends up feeling unloved, left out, and confused.

Effect on children – Children raised in these environments often have trouble connecting to others in a useful way. They have trouble sharing their toys, and act out with extreme anger and frustration when required to do so. Later in life they may have issues with forming healthy relationships. They sometimes show attention-seeking behaviors because they have learned that only extremes get rewards.

Effect on parents – Contrary to popular belief, a permissive and chaotic home is not easier for the parents. Parents often feel guilty, stressed out, and overworked. They feel as if their children do not love them, and are even using them. Many parents who are bringing up their children in a chaotic environment do not have enough adult time and develop resentment against their children.

Effect on relationships – Due to the fact that parents cannot be alone often when raising children in chaotic environments, causing children to witness unhealthy adult relationships, children don’t learn how to have a healthy relationship with others or themselves. They may have a hard time choosing a partner who is healthy, or they may be too demanding on others and suck the life out of a relationship.

Effect on communities - Creating a society of adults who are still two-year-olds at heart causes tremendous strain and problems on society. If everyone is just worried about themselves and their own needs and wants, it is possible that community involvement and support to charity might go down.

Effect on society – If no one cares about public education, public roadways, public fire departments, or public health at all, the entirety of society will become chaotic. And as society becomes more chaotic, the problem perpetuates itself.

Studies have shown that brains change based on how much stress they experience during childhood growth. These brain changes can cause serious problems, making people more prone to anxiety, violence, and behavior problems.

How to Move Beyond Your Own Childhood

If you've had a chaotic childhood, the main way to move beyond your childhood is to accept what happened. Understand that it is more than likely that your parents loved you and did the best they could with what they knew at the time. Today, there is far more availability of information at your fingertips. If you’re willing to learn, you don’t have to repeat the cycle. Instead, you can create a peaceful home environment without becoming abusive, and all the while keeping the joy in parenting.

1) Learn about child development

It’s really hard to parent children appropriately if you know absolutely nothing about child development. You might think it's okay to try potty training a one-year-old, or spanking a six-month-old, or ignoring a teenager who may be involved with drugs. Most of us have tried disciplining a child inappropriately, and even go to extremes if whatever we’re doing isn’t working.

2) Understand the different parenting styles

The main parenting styles of authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative are really just the tip of the iceberg. There are more variations and mixtures than one would think among the styles. But, one thing is clear – consistency, love and respect work better than anything for raising healthy, loving, productive adults. Avoid gurus that claim authoritarian or permissive parenting styles actually work. No research suggests that they do, and a lot of research in fact demonstrates the opposite.

3) Discuss your parenting ideals with your spouse

Everyone has an idea of what kind of parent they want to be. Ensure that your spouse shares your views prior to having children if possible. If it’s too late for that and you differ greatly in your views, consider seeking counseling to help you come to a healthy agreement. Talking about expectations will certainly help.

4) Remember what it was like for you

When you are talking to your spouse about the type of parenting you would like to accomplish, it’s also important to touch on what type of parenting you experienced as a child. If you both experienced chaotic parenting styles, it might be more difficult to change the cycle than if only one of you did.

5) Understand that non-chaotic does not mean abusive

Some parents go from their permissive chaotic childhoods to the most authoritarian style of parenting of all. This is usually because they know what kind of trouble they managed to get into, but do not realize that this was due to the type of parenting they experienced and not a reflection of all children being inherently bad. Finding some sort of middle ground has shown to have the best outcomes when it comes to parenting.

6) Learn about positive and mindful parenting

A form of authoritative parenting, positive and mindful parenting is often mistaken for permissive parenting when nothing could be further from the truth. Positive and mindful parenting takes into consideration the child’s developmental progress, the results the parents want, and the tools that will provide those results. Usually, the result the parents want is children who have self-control, self-confidence and self-esteem.  Have you had the chance yet to read the book Simplicity Parenting, by John Payne?  It's been a while since I've read it, but I am referring to it constantly.  It is a beautiful read, and the advice offered in this book is second to none.

7) Remember that children grow up fast

When the going gets tough, it’s helpful to know how fast childhood flashes by. Most children only live at home about 1/4 of their life, and are really children far less time than that. A child’s personality is pretty much developed by the teenage years; therefore, you have little time to be a huge influence – although it’s never too late to make a difference.

8) Make a contract with yourself

Write down, with your partner, the way you want to parent your children. Write down everything from how you will talk to your children, to the consequences your children will have for certain behavior. Later, you’ll likely work directly with your older children to work out rules and consequences with them but for now, work it out with yourself and your partner, putting in the contract what you want to be true.

9) Forgive yourself when you’re not perfect

No one is ever going to be perfect. Every parent has said something or done something for which they are ashamed and wish they could take back. But, it’s important that you also treat yourself well and learn to be forgiving of yourself. When you apologize to your child for your imperfections, and then work toward doing better, your child observes this and learns from it.

Creating a strong parent-child relationship requires a lot of love and dedication as well as understanding of child development. For some people this type of nurturing comes naturally, but those who grew up in a chaotic environment may need to learn about parenting styles that work before making a choice of how to raise their children.

There is a wonderful audio program by Brene Brown, which I have recently purchased and listened to.  It is truly valuable in helping any and all parents learn to be gentle with themselves, and remember to nurture themselves while taking care of their children.  If this sounds like a program that may interest you, it is called The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting.

How to Create a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

One very important part of reversing the cycle of a chaotic childhood so that you can establish a peaceful home environment is to build a healthy bond with your children. Strong parent-child relationships have the potential to overcome all of the rough days that will lie ahead. And believe it, there will be rough days. Sometimes the days will be rough because you’re tired from work, sometimes because they are tired from school, or just due to the normal frustrations children experience based on their developmental level.

But, rest assured, life will not always be as perfect as it is when you hold your new infant in your arms. 

1) Accept that time is short

Every moment that you spend in the pursuit of loving your child to the fullest is time well spent and time that will come back to you many times over. There are many ways that you can take time for your child in order to develop a stronger parent-child relationship.

·   Get to know each other - Take the time to truly know your child. Find out what he or she is interested in, or the person that he or she is growing up to be. Ask open-ended questions and truly listen to what he or she has to say. Getting to know who your child really is will build high self-worth in your child because they will feel loved unconditionally by you.

·   Spend time together - Even when life gets busy, it is important to make the time to spend with your children. Even ten minutes a day to walk and talk in the park or in the car while running errands, or reading a book at bedtime helps your children know that they are important to you.

·   Show them the value of time - Knowing that you value time with them will make them feel good about themselves. If you have more than one child, set aside special time for each child a few times a week. Schedule the time in your calendar and it will happen.

·   Communicate with your child – We’ve been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. Sometimes it’s good to just listen to your child, even if what they are talking about is not interesting to you. Listening and asking questions will open the lines of communication that will last well into adulthood.

·   Be patient - Strong parent-child relationships are founded in love but developed through patience. Being patient with both your child and yourself is essential. No one is perfect and mistakes will happen. Children will be slow getting ready in the morning; you will accidentally say something you shouldn’t. Take a deep breath and practice patience.

Realizing that time is short, and letting your child know that you realize it, is an important step toward reversing the problem with a chaotic childhood and building a peaceful home environment for your children. Having some semblance of a schedule, and making the time you spend with each other important will teach them far more than how to tell time.

2) Show your child unconditional love

A huge part of building the parent-child relationship is helping your child understand that you love them without measure, unconditionally. This step is perhaps one of the most important parts of parenting overall and yet one of the most difficult to get across to your child.

This is because so often you may find yourself in punishing mode instead of disciplinarian mode. Remember discipline is about teaching, not punishing. If you can separate the two, your child will be better able to feel your love for them even when they have done something to displease you.

·   Catch your child being good – Instead of always saying no, find excuses to praise your child. Look for times when they are being good and tell them. The more praise a child gets, the more praise they want, and the more they’ll do things that please you.

·   Look in your child’s eyes – The eyes, as they say, are the window to the soul. If you look tired or stressed out every time your child comes into the room, it will be hard for them to convey a feeling of love from that. Practice showing love for them in your eyes and your expression when they walk into the room or come home from school.

·   Show yourself respect – It might be a hard concept, but how you treat yourself also informs your child about how to they should treat themselves. If you don’t love yourself, your child is less likely to either feel loved by you or lovable. Modeling the right behavior goes far.

·   Tell your child you love them - Make sure to hug your children and let them know, individually, that you love them very much. Just hearing you say it every day will help it to sink in. Never go to bed angry, or allow your child to leave the house without showing them that love, especially if they’ve done something to displease you.

·   Set the example – Don’t be judgmental of others who have made different choices than you would make for yourself. This is especially true when it comes to behaviors that we now know are something people are born with, such as homosexuality. You do not have to feel the same as your child about something to accept it exists.

·   Be a problem solver – When an issue occurs, instead of acting out in frustration, seek instead to solve the problem with the help of others or your child. Building puzzles together and playing games can help foster feelings of unconditional love.

·   Don’t make obedience a requirement – Sure, you want your child to listen to you and do what you say. However, a child’s obedience should never be a prerequisite to showing them love. You can be quite angry at a child and still show them love.

·   Find teachable moments – Every day there are moments where you can teach unconditional love to your child, including TV shows, examples from real life, and so forth. Use these opportunities to guide and teach your child instead of just letting them pass by.

·   Do not act out in anger – So many times it’s tempting to act out in anger, especially if your own child is doing so. But remember, you are the adult, and the kinder you can be to them – even when you feel they don’t deserve it – the better opportunity you have to teach unconditional love to your child.

It’s very important that your child feel that they are loved unconditionally. Children need to know that it is okay to be themselves, and that you will love them no matter who or what they grow up to be - even if you disagree with it. Another program that has helped me immensely to understand where my children are coming from at times, and what they need from me in order to be reached - emotionally - during difficult times, is the Five Love Languages of Children. I find it much easier to receive information through audio programs these days, although I do also own the book of the same title.

3) Model the behavior you want them to emulate

·   Make your messages clear - One way to form a strong bond with your child is to avoid sending mixed message to them. If your child catches you telling lies to someone, even when innocent, they will be confused. They might even think that you lie to them sometimes and that lying to you is okay if it spares your feelings.

This is not an issue about telling the salesperson on the phone that no one is home - it goes much deeper than that. Studies show that a “do as I say not as I do” attitude is very ineffective and even destructive.

·   Do not throw fits - If you’re trying to teach a child not to lose their temper, check yourself. Are you losing your temper with your partner, co-workers, sales people, or them? If so, take a deep breath and start over. If you don’t want your child to have fits, stop doing it yourself.

·   Talk with a calm voice – While not particularly a fan of The Duggars, on a recent show the mother said something interesting. She said she and her husband decided not to yell at the children anymore. Instead of yelling, when a child is misbehaving, they talk quieter and lower. This requires the children to listen and also demonstrates the type of behavior that is expected from them.

·   Show a normal range of emotion – If you had a chaotic upbringing, it is likely that one or both parents ran hot and cold on any range of emotions. They may have been over the top sometimes, and flat the others. If you want your children to have healthy emotional expression, it’s important to model this type of behavior too. If you’re not sure what is normal, speak with an expert.

·   Let your child see you fail – No one is perfect and we all fail. What is important is how we behave when we fail. Did you drop a fork and curse? It’s okay; say something about the expletive out loud and how sometimes mom and dad do things they shouldn’t too. Perhaps drop a quarter in the swear jar.

·   Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep - Your parents may have said things to you like “I’m going to ground you for ten years.” Or “never” this or “always” that and you knew it was not true and that they could not ever hold true to their words. Think before you speak. And if you cannot afford the cowboy boots or the special sneakers, say so.

·   Avoid keeping up with the Kardashians - When your children see you competing with other adults about looks, homes, yards, and so forth, you are teaching them to care about what others think of them at their most private level. Live within your means, and teach them that this is best and if someone doesn’t like them due to that, too bad.

·   Don’t expect more morals from them than you did from yourself – Remember when you were a teenager and don’t pretend you were perfect. If by chance you were perfect, good for you, but most people aren’t. Hold back judgments and realize that your morals might be different from your children's. As long as they’re not harming others, and they’re being smart, love them anyway.

·   Don’t gossip – Honestly, what more should be said about this. So many teenagers, especially girls, tend to gossip about others in the guise of helping the friend. You know it’s not true, but if they observe you doing it, even just talking to your spouse about someone else, they’re not going to get it.

·   Avoid judgments about moral character – This is kind of similar to the idea that your child might grow up to choose a different lifestyle than you that, while legal, is still morally wrong to you. It’s not up to you to make decisions for them or others and it's best if you keep your opinions about that to yourself if you want to truly know your children.

In all things it’s better that you are the example rather than offering up lectures on right or correct behavior. Sure, when a little one is two and hits you, you’re going to have a discussion about not hitting, but if you hit them, how are they going to understand? Modeling the behavior you want in your children wins out over lecturing, every time.

Nature or Nurture - The Never-Ending Question

The question regarding how children turn out has been asked for ages, and will continue to be addressed. There are times, it seems, that really good parents produce very bad children due a mental illness or defect. However, there is still something to be said about nurture, even in the worst of cases.

When it comes to parenting, though, it’s becoming clear that for humans at least, most of parenting is a learned behavior. Since it is something that you learn, you can also unlearn bad habits and create new, better habits. Of course, one has to acknowledge that there is a problem with chaotic childhoods in the first place in order to make it better. But, if you’re reading this report, it is likely that you have at least some interest in exploring different possibilities for your family.

Letting Go of Chaos and Getting Organized

Take a page from a business, and get organized. Creating systems can go far in avoiding chaos in childhood. This is not to say you should become so rigid and tied to a calendar that you go the other way, but there is something to be said about a good family calendar to keeping order in the household.

·   Plan in advance – Whether it’s work or pleasure, planning is the key to success. Write down all plans with specific goals for the best results.

·   Create a family calendar – When a plan is concrete, add it to the family calendar in order to set it in stone. The only way it can be changed now is through an act of God or other serious emergency.

·   Make a rotating family chore lists – Almost all children and family members are capable of helping with family chores. Taking care of the home is the domain of all who share the space, not just one or two people.

·   Don’t skimp on meal planning – One of the most problematic issues with a chaotic environment is getting a healthy meal on the table. If you are particularly busy in the evenings, cook ahead, and rethink what constitutes a dinner. Perhaps salad wraps and a bowl of fruit is dinner two nights a week during sporting events.

·   Keep possessions to a minimum – Let’s not go too crazy and deny children needed items for school and sports and comfort… but does the household really need a TV in each room?

·   Everything in its place – Storage is essential to keeping a house peaceful and calm. The more clutter that is about, the more chaotic everything will seem, even if the attitudes are right. Plus it will make it take more time to get ready for things if you can’t find anything.

·   Set realistic expectations – Understand child development so that you can set the right expectations. In addition, if you work until 7pm, don’t expect to put a four-course meal on the table on weeknights.

·   Don’t overextend the kids – One or two after school activities is enough for any child and any family. Plus, more activities just don’t add to anyone’s quality of life as much as game night with Mom and Dad or dinner at the table as often as possible.

·   Outsource where reasonable – Some people balk at this idea, especially when it comes to domestic chores. After all, you want your children to learn the basics of what it takes to run a household. But there is no reason why you can’t outsource some of it and still teach children what to do.

·   Repurpose, reuse, recycle – Teaching children respect for their own environment and the environment of others will go far in cutting down on entitlement syndrome. Plus, it can be fun to figure out what to do with that old rusted table.

·   Automate where possible – Whether it’s paying bills, or a set time and date for your hair appointment, set up an automated system where possible. Your bank likely has “bill pay” and your salon probably can set your next appointment when your current one is over. Just like the dentist.

Don’t let your zeal for organization ruin family game night by setting the clock too tightly, but do ensure that you schedule in family fun, work, and private time too. Being a more organized family will cut down on the daily chaotic environment and make life a lot more peaceful at home.

Putting It All Together

We've covered the different parenting styles and where you might fit into them, as well as a few tips to getting started on creating a more peaceful home. If you are having issues making it all work, do not be afraid or ashamed to get professional help. It’s normal to need a little help getting things in order if you are fundamentally changing a long-learned behavior - whether it is diet and exercise, quitting smoking, or parenting.