The decision to get a divorce is usually an agonizing one. But the thought of telling our children about it can be absolutely terrifying. It's disheartening to have to be the bearer of such devastating news, and it's impossible to predict how they will react.
Talking to children about divorce is never easy. But there are some things you can do to make it less stressful for everyone involved. Here are some tips.
1. Talk to your children as soon as possible after you've come to a decision.
Postponing the talk will just give you more time to dread it, and you may lose the trust of your kids. Make sure that you intend to go through with it, try to make some preliminary living arrangements, and break the news as soon as possible afterward.
2. If possible, both spouses should be present when telling children about divorce. Otherwise, they might feel as though the decision was one-sided or that the absent parent doesn't care about them. This will also help them understand that you will still be parenting as a team.
3. Choose a time that will not interfere with your children's normal activities, and a place that is familiar and comfortable. This shows respect for the things that are important to them and ensures that they will feel comfortable asking questions.
4. Tell all of your children at the same time. If you don't, there will almost certainly be feelings of resentment. Even if they are not close in age, they deserve to hear about it at the same time. You can talk to them separately in more age-appropriate terms later.
5. Younger children are unlikely to understand what divorce means. Explain it in the simplest terms possible. Explain that you and your spouse will no longer be living together, that they will see both of you, and that both parents love them and always will.
6. Avoid arguing with the other parent or laying blame. This is a time to inform your kids about what's going on, not to decide who's right and who's wrong.
7. Do your best to avoid expressing anger or bitterness, but feel free to express sadness. Doing so lets children know that it's okay for them to be sad.
8. Make it a point to tell your children that it's not their fault. Young children are especially prone to thinking that they are somehow to blame for divorce, even if they don't vocalize it. It's very important to reassure them that it has nothing to do with them.
9. Fill them in on everything that has been decided so far. They need to know where they will be staying, if a parent is moving out, and that their basic needs will be met. Do your best to address these concerns as fully as possible.
10. Encourage your children to ask questions, and answer them truthfully. You don't have to tell them all of the details about why you are separating, but it is critically important to maintain their trust.
This video of this very wise little girl has been making viral rounds on the internet for years now, and is one of our favorites! If you haven't seen it yet, take a look:
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