Why Divorced Parents Should Have the Same Rules at Both Homes

Divorce can be traumatic, not only for the separating partners, but also for their children. Kids who are caught in the middle experience a deluge of emotions, including sadness, anger and confusion. How the parents handle the divorce, however, can make it more or less difficult for them.

A frequent point of contention between divorcing parents is the set of rules that their children are expected to follow. Usually, while married, parents come up with a set of rules to which they can both agree. But in the event of separation, each parent may prefer to change the rules a bit for when the children are with them.

Overall, this is a bad idea. While it is ultimately up to the parent to enforce rules, having two different sets of rules is generally bad for the children. Here are a few reasons why this is so:

* Having to adjust to a different set of rules each time a child visits the other parent is difficult. They might get confused about which rules apply where, and that could get them in trouble.

* Children may resent the parent who enforces more restrictive rules. These rules might be in the child's best interest, but he still feels that he's being treated unfairly because they do not apply when he is with the other parent. This often leads to conflict between parent and child.

* A difference in rules can cause added conflict between the parents. Not only does this produce more stress in the adults, it also hurts the children. Even though the parents are separated, seeing them fight is not good for the children.

* Children need a sense of stability. This stability is lessened when their parents divorce. But being subject to the same rules at both households gives them some semblance of security.


Agreeing on the Rules


When you come to the decision to get a divorce, the first thing that's usually discussed is who will get the children and how visitation will work. It's also important to discuss the continuation of rules early on. 

Parents often assume that the other parent will keep the same rules, but that doesn't always happen. This is especially true in households where the rules are flexible or not well defined.

For best results, rules should remain the same as when the parents were together. But children who are experiencing a state of transition may need to have their rules revised. For example, a child who is ready to start dating will need rules that weren't necessary before. In such circumstances, the parents need to discuss the prospective new rules ahead of time and do their best to come to an agreement on them.

Having the same rules at both homes makes things easier for parents and children. It makes for less conflict and greater uniformity. While a divorce is not by nature a pleasant experience, maintaining a consistent set of rules can make it less unpleasant.

Here's a little story, read aloud, that younger children may enjoy: